big, lonely city

I don´t even know where to start. It´s been a while since I´ve posted
anything.

Details...I finished my TEFL course with a B+ (apparently an A is
next to impossible, or so i´m told). I went to Lyon, France for a
couple days, many crazy hours lost on trains and unable to
communicate in french, but it was ok. Good to see Ama, my friend who
was an au pair in Los Gatos last year. She really understands what i
am going through cuz she went through it not too long ago. I
basically went there cuz after the course ended i was homeless till Nov 1st. Going to france was not a bad option.
I got back on the 1st and moved into my new little apartment. I live
with a few other Spaniards, and my room is the size of a shoebox, but
i have a balcony, which is worth more than a bigger room, and i like
it. I get lots of sun in the room and it makes me happy to know I
secured this place all in spanish, and with the help of my friends,
got money to pay the rent, sin una cartera (without my wallet--since
it was stolen) -- thanks corbin, reis and gypsy.
My days are quite leisurely. I dont have a job, so I sleep in
everyday. I work out all morning. I cook and eat and read and talk to
my housemates, when they have time, practicing my spanish, (cuz none
of them speak english--one of my requirement for my new house). I
usually dont leave the house dressed and ready for the world till
nearly 5pm. I could leave at 2 or 3pm but the world around here shuts
down from 2-5pm, so what´s the point.
I go out sometimes at night. I´ve been rather lonely, but I do have a
couple friends, one of which is "in love with me," or so he says, so
it gets a little complicated, but I continue to be clear that we
are "just friends." I told him tonight i need a night to myself.
I do spend a lot of time alone, though. It is harder than I thought
to assimilate myself into life and culture here. I am just another
white tourist and if I dont want english speaking friends, and I dont
want to sleep with the people who hit on me on the street, then I
spend lots of time alone.

I just got back from not going to a circus that I spent hours looking
for and never found. Bummer.
Instead I sat by the water and cried my eyes out.
I just keep wondering what it is all about. Why did I insist on
giving up the man I love and my friends and job and choir, which I
loved, and move somewhere where I can barely communicate? I dreampt
of it for so long and now I feel so depressed. I knew it wouldn´t be
easy, but that isn´t it. It´s all those questions we start asking
ourselves, like what is the meaning of life?
What are we doing here?
What are we all struggling so hard to achieve?
And why do all the stupid people keep having so many children when
our world can´t support us all and we are bringing them into a
disaster? (no offense to all the amazing parents from music together
that i adore--you are not the stupid people i am talking about).
I want a purpose...dont we all? And I dont just want to consume and
give nothing back. I want to see the world, but really, I dont know
if that was how it was meant to be. I gave someone a talk at a
festival I went to about not trying to see it all, but instead really
experiencing a couple things. I think I need to take my own advice.
But of course, I won´t. I´ll be outta here in a couple months
(painful or not, we´ll see), and then I´ll be in another big, lonely
city, on some other artistic quest.
I keep looking, I think we all do, and I am starting to wonder if
they were right all along that love is all that matters.
And meanwhile, while I sit and ponder the meaning of life, I am
losing my love...

Alas...speaking of love, I love getting comments from folks. Emails
are even better. My email address is the same as it´s always been.
Much love to all my friends and family. It is you that keeps me going
when I feel so alone over here.
Cheers.
(this was written on Nov. 4th but not posted till Nov. 7th)