Back in Barcelona

Funny to think as Barcelona as home, but when I got back from Austria, that is what I thought as the plane landed somewhere familiar.
Speaking of plane, that was another intersting story. Apparently my flight back was on Monday, but I was so sure it was on Tuesday. So I left David´s house at 5am and gimped my way to the bus station on my still-sprained ankle. When I got to the airport, there was no flight to Barcelona. So I went back to David´s house and waited outside in the literally freezing cold for an hour, trying to get back inside.

In the meantime, I read another amazing book, well, two, that you should also check out.
"Rapid Recovery from Neck and Back Pain" which is a take off of Dr. Sarno´s book that I mentioned in my last entry. Really inspiring. Highly recommend it.
"Sonrise" which is written by the guy that wrote "Happiness is a Choice." Funny, because my aunt bought that book for me years ago and I just wasn´t ready to hear what it had to say. But now I am, and it has made a world of difference, because he´s right. Happiness really is something we choose. Amazing.
Needless to say, now that I know, I choose happiness every morning and I don´t feel so alone or sad anymore. Life is truly beautiful.

But back to the story.
So on Wed. I went back to the airport at 5am and they told me I had to buy a whole new ticket to get home, for 165 euros. Well, there I was, with my head in my hands, literally sobbing in the airport. I had no money. My stuff had been stolen. I had no credit card and I was stuck in Austria.
The lady at the desk was very nice and brought me hot chocolate. I called David and asked him to work some David magic. Well, they told him I had to pay, but his credit card still wasnt working. In the end, the lady put her job on the line and made us promise to have the money in her account by monday or she would get fired.
And I made it safely back to Barecelona.

I had a great experience in the airport during my layover in Mallorca. There was a woman with two cute 2 year old twins. She obviously needed help with them, so there I was, on the floor in the airport with my guitar, all smiles, laughing and rolling around and playing. And we couldn´t communicate with words because I dont speak German, but it was wonderful. I really treasure all the kids I had in music together and all the kids I had the opportunity to take care of over the years. What a blessing!

As for me now, I am back in Barcelona. I started Spanish classes and I am reading a lot, since my ankle isn´t very strong yet. -- Harry Potter, in spanish this time. It is great from building my vocabulary.
I also wrote another song about my new take on life. I think it is the first happy song I have ever written. Usually I just get inspired when I am sad or hurt or angry. For those of you who haven´t heard my C.D. I made over the summer, I want to try to add a few songs this winter and get a full length C.D. by next year.
I gotta write a couple more songs before that will happen. I´m working on it.

Well, off to see if I can make something out of my life tonight. I am once again down to only $10 which has to last me a week! so I continue to find people who want to buy me drinks or dinner. See if I can work the magic tonight. (Last night I had to jump off the metro at some unknown stop and wait for the next one because this guy that I met that night was trying to force me to kiss him and kept saying he wanted me to have his children. Scary, but I just waited a while and went home when I knew his metro was long gone. Doing my best to be safe in this adventure).

Love to all.

Read the book

OK, I am turning into one of those people who claim that their lives have been changed by one little book, or a movie, or a person. And this time it is a book with the stupidist title. Are you ready? "Healing Back Pain" by Dr. Sarno. Im telling you, it is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. No more stomach aches (that have been ailing me for 10 years), no more ankle or knee problems (that Ive had since childhood), no more headaches (all my life)... the list goes on. But what Ive learned about chronic pain is going to change the way I view the world. It all comes down to how we react to our environment and how it makes us feel and how we deal with those feelings.
Why did I develope chronic pain as a child?
Not because there was something physically wrong with me. No! Because there was anger and sexual repression and jealousy and fear and guilt and no other way to deal with it as a child because we werent taught to communicate and I wouldnt have felt anyone cared to hear about it anyway. So I protected myself from having to deal with it by getting attention for numerous other ailments. Maybe it all sounds like bologne to you, but I no longer believe that chronic pain has physical causes. Read the book and do the work and see what happens to you.

As for the rest of my life, outside of my latest books, life has improved 100%. Yes, I still burst into tears from time to time, missing my girls, billie and tizbie, and wondering how I will ever truly heal if I lose the man I was planning on marrying...

But it has been so interesting, the growth and processing Ive done this week.
I remember why I was so inspired by David when we were together. He is in dance school in Austria and has such a profound life plan. Now I can separate myself from him and realize that I am not him and have to find my own truths. Yet, somehow, just seeing another artist and dreamer reminds me why I had to do this. Why the struggle is worth it, and why I cant go back. And having a friend to listen and bounce ideas off of in a language I speak fluently was worth the whole cost of the plane ticket.

Austria is so beautiful and the air is crisp with mid-November in every breath. I feel so happy to be alive and am glad I didnt off myself last week when I couldnt see past my own pain. Sometimes I think I am so manic, but alas, that is life. And mine will be not only long, but wide (thanks Todd).
Have a great day, and email me with your thoughts after youve read the book. (but let me buy stocks in his ideas and work first so I can profit off it... just kidding).

Bad luck and lots of laughs

Oh my god. If I were reading my life in a book, sometimes I would think that person were making things up. The last couple days have been so much bad luck and good luck all rolled into one, tears and laughing and pain and I love my life for it.

To start, I went out unicycling with my only unicycling buddy in Barcelona. I am getting better and I am finally able to hop upstairs. But I wouldnt stop there, no...I had to try to hop up onto and over a big tree root. So I fell, and sprained my ankle really badly. Poor Manuel didnt know what to do with this poor half-crying American girl. So he sat with me for a couple hours until finally we realized I wasnt going to be riding or walking again soon. So picture this: Manuel on his unicycle with me on his back, pushing my unicycle. Yes, it was like a circus in the street. He carried me home and was so sweet.
But the next problem came when I realized my wonderful aunt had wired me money, cuz I was out (again--and I havent even told you about the "getting a new atm card" ordeal) and I needed to pick it up that day. Well, my ankle was the size of a football, but still, I hopped and hobbled my way to the metro stop and downtown to the western union.

I had made plans earlier to meet up with a friend, a massage therapist, and his other two healing type friends, but I had canceled after I fell.
Well, I figured since I had made it downtown, his house was at that point no farther than my own so I went over there. I am so glad. I had someone icing my ankle and taking care of me and I gave and recieved a wonderful massage. We were up till 3am...and might I add, it was all in spanish. Granted, I didnt understand half of it, but I do ok, and it feels good to be in situations like that. That is why Im here, to know the people and experience precious moments.

Well, I didnt sleep much, due to the pain shooting up my leg, the telephone ringing and alarms going off in my room and other rooms at strange hours.
But morning came, and with it came buckets of rain. And I knew it was time to leave the house to finally go to Austria and visit my ex-boyfriend and amazing friend, David. So, I managed my painful way to the train station and got to the airport.
I was pushing time and worried I would miss my flight, when lo- and -behold, there is no ticket in the computer for me! After my wallet got stolen and I had no way to pay for this ticket, david offered to get it for me. Well, apparently his credit card didnt go through, so there I was, ticketless.
Luckily, I was carrying that newly acquired $300 and bought another ticket (again, luckily, for the same price as it would have been when david tried to buy it several weeks ago).
Well, when I was at that desk getting helped, I handed the guy my paper with all my flight info and directions to davids school in Austria. I forget to get it back from him after the whole ticket ordeal, so when i arrived in austria, I had no idea where to go and davids phone was turned off cuz he was in class.
So god sent me an angel. A guy from Spain, with perfect english, who lives in Austria and took an hour out of his day to lead me all over town, carrying my luggage and finally left me safely in this internet cafe, down the street from davids school, where he will meet me in any minute.

So, Im sure the adventure will continue from here.
I have to laugh and love it, or I might burst into tears, but right now the excitement of new adventures with old friends consumes me.
much love to all....have fun out there....

Sunset by the lake

Each day is a new adventure. One minute I am ready to buy a ticket home, and the next minute I am being taken out to dinner by some nice massage therapist.
I had a horrible day on Saturday, so Sunday I went the beach with my guitar, and sat playing. I met this photographer (same as mentioned above) and we had a nice dinner later that night. He taught me a new song on the guitar and it was a lovely evening.

Earlier that day I got an email from a french unicyclist that is living in Barcelona. Corbin met him online and sent him my info. We spent the whole afternoon riding around the city on unicycles, trying to hop up staircases and riding back down them. It was wonderful. I miss my unicycling days and am happy I have a new friend. (the only one so far that doesn´t seem so interested in me just for my looks--I get so tired of that kind of attention. I just want friends!!!)

The weather here is so beautiful and I sat with another friend by the little lake while he painted my portrait and we watched the sun set behind the birds. It was beautiful.

Yes, life is good at moments, and it is really what you make it, which is why it is sometimes so shitty for me--cuz I dont always look at things the right way. I am still in California in my head, but I am aclimating slowly.

I found a month long spanish course I think I will sign up for if I can get the money together. Still don´t have anyway to access cash after my wallet was stolen. The bank won´t send my new card--arg, but I´ll figure it out.
Also, I leave on Wed. to Austria to go visit my ex-boyfriend and good friend, David, who I haven´t spent any solid time with since we broke up 2 1/2 years ago. It should be fun and inspiring.

Big hugs to all. I miss you guys more than you know.

big, lonely city

I don´t even know where to start. It´s been a while since I´ve posted
anything.

Details...I finished my TEFL course with a B+ (apparently an A is
next to impossible, or so i´m told). I went to Lyon, France for a
couple days, many crazy hours lost on trains and unable to
communicate in french, but it was ok. Good to see Ama, my friend who
was an au pair in Los Gatos last year. She really understands what i
am going through cuz she went through it not too long ago. I
basically went there cuz after the course ended i was homeless till Nov 1st. Going to france was not a bad option.
I got back on the 1st and moved into my new little apartment. I live
with a few other Spaniards, and my room is the size of a shoebox, but
i have a balcony, which is worth more than a bigger room, and i like
it. I get lots of sun in the room and it makes me happy to know I
secured this place all in spanish, and with the help of my friends,
got money to pay the rent, sin una cartera (without my wallet--since
it was stolen) -- thanks corbin, reis and gypsy.
My days are quite leisurely. I dont have a job, so I sleep in
everyday. I work out all morning. I cook and eat and read and talk to
my housemates, when they have time, practicing my spanish, (cuz none
of them speak english--one of my requirement for my new house). I
usually dont leave the house dressed and ready for the world till
nearly 5pm. I could leave at 2 or 3pm but the world around here shuts
down from 2-5pm, so what´s the point.
I go out sometimes at night. I´ve been rather lonely, but I do have a
couple friends, one of which is "in love with me," or so he says, so
it gets a little complicated, but I continue to be clear that we
are "just friends." I told him tonight i need a night to myself.
I do spend a lot of time alone, though. It is harder than I thought
to assimilate myself into life and culture here. I am just another
white tourist and if I dont want english speaking friends, and I dont
want to sleep with the people who hit on me on the street, then I
spend lots of time alone.

I just got back from not going to a circus that I spent hours looking
for and never found. Bummer.
Instead I sat by the water and cried my eyes out.
I just keep wondering what it is all about. Why did I insist on
giving up the man I love and my friends and job and choir, which I
loved, and move somewhere where I can barely communicate? I dreampt
of it for so long and now I feel so depressed. I knew it wouldn´t be
easy, but that isn´t it. It´s all those questions we start asking
ourselves, like what is the meaning of life?
What are we doing here?
What are we all struggling so hard to achieve?
And why do all the stupid people keep having so many children when
our world can´t support us all and we are bringing them into a
disaster? (no offense to all the amazing parents from music together
that i adore--you are not the stupid people i am talking about).
I want a purpose...dont we all? And I dont just want to consume and
give nothing back. I want to see the world, but really, I dont know
if that was how it was meant to be. I gave someone a talk at a
festival I went to about not trying to see it all, but instead really
experiencing a couple things. I think I need to take my own advice.
But of course, I won´t. I´ll be outta here in a couple months
(painful or not, we´ll see), and then I´ll be in another big, lonely
city, on some other artistic quest.
I keep looking, I think we all do, and I am starting to wonder if
they were right all along that love is all that matters.
And meanwhile, while I sit and ponder the meaning of life, I am
losing my love...

Alas...speaking of love, I love getting comments from folks. Emails
are even better. My email address is the same as it´s always been.
Much love to all my friends and family. It is you that keeps me going
when I feel so alone over here.
Cheers.
(this was written on Nov. 4th but not posted till Nov. 7th)